I envy you

I envy you

While you're in front of me
I look at you, all of you
You look happy
And I envy you

While you do everything just right
Your emotions not exceeding
Just that required amount
I'm too busy wondering
How to conceal my thoughts
Lest you see through my piercing judgment
Hidden behind that fake, conforming smile

While you believe that being pretty
And helpless
Attracts them
I'm too caught up
In protecting my ideals
Not giving up my dignity
Or that of my whole sex

While you are alright with being the lamb
Waiting to be rescued by that stronger breed
I'm trying too hard
To be the tiger that I'm not

While you take all the time in the world
Draping that perfect look
Over that soulless body
I'm too busy
Trying to find myself
In my being

While you're happy
Being who they want you to be
I'm being who you want me to be too
But only on the outside
Because inside,
A part of me is slowly being devoured
By the termites of self-judgment

While you're giggling away
Your character
Right in front of me
Without a care in the world
I envy you
Because I'm sunk too deep in my ideology
And the knowledge that I just can't reconcile to yours.